been advised i cant say that without being arrested...i really cant say that one either..

 


A parrot swallows a viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer 2 cool off. Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating. "How come ur sweating?" He asks. The parrot replies "Do u know how fucking hard it is 2 open the legs of a frozen chicken"!?

 

 

                      Sinusoidal or Harmonic ?????
 
                                            

                    This is a quick lesson in physics for all engineers and should be passed on to 

 

others like them who wonder about this sort of thing
              

              

 

 
 

 


            For non - Engineers:

This is Sinusoidal Motion 
                                           

 

 

 

But Trained Engineers Know

This As Harmonic Motion


 

 

 

 

 

However To My Trained Engineering Eye

This is Classic

Sinusoidal & Harmonic Motion?


         

 

 

         

YES

I Like to Keep 'abreast'

Of

Engineering Problems
 
  


 

 
 

 


Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
 
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
 
 He replies:'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

 She answers,
 
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
 and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
 that I would find offensive.'

 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

  She responds,'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

 The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
 
 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
 
 The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
 
 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

 The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
 party.'
 HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!! ***

 

3 women are sitting on a park bench having a chat when a flasher jumps out and flashes at them.Two of them immediately have a stroke,the third one couldnt quite reach..

"Beer and spirits" ; helping ugly people have sex since 3000BC!

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

A man picks up a nasty infection and goes to a doctor." I`m sorry", says the doctor "I cant cure it. We`re going to have to amputate." The man is horrified and seeks a second opinion. " I`m sorry" says the second doctor, " but the first doctor was right,your penis has to come off." The man cant accept this and seeks yet another doctors opinion. "There`s good news and bad news", says the 3rd doctor " The good news is that we dont need to amputate your penis". "And whats the bad news?" asks the man. The doctor replies "It`s just come off in my hand."

A woman walks into a chemists and enquires if they sell extra large condoms. " Yes we do" replies the assistant "Would you like to buy some?" " No thanks" says the woman" But if you dont mind,I`ll wait here for someone who does."

A Honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite."Bridal?" asks the desk clerk. "No thanks", replies the bride," I`ll just hang onto his shoulders"

After a drunken night on the town,the daughter of a wealthy businessman is woken by the butler,"What happened ?" she groans,"I dont remember getting into bed". " I carried you upstairs,miss" says the butler. " And where is my dress? she asks. It was stained," replies the butler, "so i took it off to be cleaned". "But I seem to have lost my underwear too" says the girl. It appeared to be interfering with your circulation", says the butler "so i slipped it off. "Gosh,thanks", says the girl,"That was quite a party last night-I must have been tight". "Only the first time, miss." replies the butler.

 

A biker receives a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning,to see if he would be interested in meeting up to rekindle a bit of that "old majic",a little taken aback he replies: "I dont know if i could keep pace with you now,I`m a bit older,a bit greyer than when you last saw me,plus i dont really have the energy i used to have" She giggled and said she was sure that he would "rise to the challenge".. "yeah" he said "just so long as you dont mind a waist-line thats a few inches wider these days,not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.Everything is sagging,my teeth are slightly yellowed and i`m devolping jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and tells him to stop being so silly,teasing him by saying that tubby,grey haired,older men were cute and she was sure he would still be a great lover, "anyway" she giggled again"i`ve put on a few pounds myself". So he tells her to f**k off.

 

 

 

The reason matchstick people became extinct....

 

These files are powerpoint slideshows,to download Right click and save target to download,then you can open them,enjoy!!

 

xmas calender Found this calender lying about,just click on the dates,just make sure the wee ones arent around!

 

My_wife_and_I This one isnt for the faint hearted either.. ditto above,not for youngsters.

OK,try the link to Saints and Sinners mcc fun page , some good stuff there to keep you amused...

Harley davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting 2 God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world! God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What the fuck do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them! "Ahem, " says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my fucking creation than yours!"

Found some good jokes on the Reckless Few MCC site,click here for the craich.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You dont know Jack Schitt !!" Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an educated way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertiliizer magnate,married O. Schitt,the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son,Jack. In time Jack schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produce 6 children who`s name are Holie Schitt,Giva Schitt,Fulla Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt an` Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a High School dropout.After being married for a period of 15 years,Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,and ,because her kids were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name,she is now known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.Meanwhile,Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,who had a son with a nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six children,Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcementof the Schitt-Happens nuptials surprised few people.The off-spring of this marriage were named Dawg,Byrd,and Hoarse.Bull Schitt,the prodigal son,left home to tour the world,recently returning with his new Italian bride,Pisa Schitt. Now,when someone suggests "you dont Jack Schitt" you can correct them. Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

BMW riders who are easily offended shouldnt watch this clip ,or HD`s,Kwackers for that matter!!!

Brendan sent these in,class...

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." 


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." 


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206. 

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 
"Wasn't I married to you once?"