Hows about this for an economic solution?

A Mother Superior is giving her nuns a pep talk before sending them out into the world. " Beware the temptations of the flesh", warns the Reverend Mother. " An hours pleasure could lead to an eternity of damnation. Now, are there any questions?" A Novice nun puts up her hand and asks," Yes Reverend Mother, How do you make it last an hour?"

A man goes into a bar and see`s a beautiful woman sitting on her own at a table. After gathering up all his courage he finally goes over and says, "Hi,um,would you mind if we chatted for a while?" She yells back " NO !! I wont sleep with you tonight!!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them and the man slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. " I`m sorry if I embarrassed you", she says. " You see, I`m a graduate student in psychology,and i`m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations". The man shouts back " What do you mean £200?!!"

A small boy gets seperated from his father while they were shopping in a supermarket and seeing a policeman,asks for help to find him. The policeman tries to get a description. "Whats your father like?" he asks. The wee boy replies " Beer and women.."

In the Beginning,God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

What do a clitoris,an anniversary and a toilet all have in common? Men always miss them.

What is a man? A life support machine for a penis.

An Essex girl is involved in a bad accident. A paramadic rushes to her aid." Where abouts are you bleeding from?" He asks. "well", says the girl, " since you ask,bleeding Romford.."

A man goes to confession and says "Forgive me father. Last night i had sex with twins half my age,in many positions that could be considered illegal,over and over again" The Priest considers his reply for several minutes then says," Buy 7 lemons,squeeze the juice into a glass and then drink it." The man asks" will this cleanse me of my sin father?" " No" says the priest " but it will wipe the smile off your face..."

this could catch on,i can see the potential,stimulate the economy etc...

think what you will...

This seems to be the done thing in Europe..really must take a trip over some day.

Subject: DIY Contraception
 
After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney McGuffy), a
Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and
told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
 
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go
home, get a firework, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold
the can up to your ear and count to 10..
 
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the sharpest chisel in
the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv
ony mair weans.'
 
Trust me,' said the doctor.
 
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3'
'4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
 
This procedure is available on the NHS and has proved to be successful
in Govan, Clydebank, Paisley , and some parts of Pollock and most of
Castlemilk.

A boss is forced to cut back on staff and decides it has to be one of two employee`s,Jack or Jill.The boss works out a plan.He watches Jack closely for one day,see`s he comes in early,works hard,skips lunch and leaves late.The next day he watches Jill.She comes in late,pops out to buy some Asprin,has a long coffee break,takes some asprin,leaves early for lunch,stays out till 3,then comes back with more Asprin.The boss is not impressed.He calls Jill into his office and says,"Jill,I am afraid I have to either lay you or Jack off." To Which Jill replies," Well,your going to have to jack off ,because i have a headache..."

Apple have announced today the development of a chip that can be implanted into a womans breast and play music. The "i-Tit" will cost £499 and is regarded as a major break through as women are always moaning that men just stare at their breasts and never listen to them.

A wife decides to treat her Hubby to a lapdance for his birthday.Arriving at the club the doorman says,"OK Jim,Howz tricks?" Surprised wife asks,"How does he know you?" Jim replies"er, I play football with him." Inside the club,the barman says,"usual Jim?".... Jim blurts " before you say owt,he`s on the darts team in my local.!" Not completely convinced by all this but not wanting to spoil the night, wife takes her drink. A lapdancer appears and says "Hi Jim..do ya want the special again tonight..?" This does it... Wife is blazing now and storms out dragging Jim into a taxi.. Driver says " Fuck me,Jim, you`ve pulled a right minger this time!!!"

A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out & hits their windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children "That was a big insect". To which the 7 year old son replies "I'm surprised it could fucking fly with a cock that size!"

The Day The Penis Asked for a raise,
I,hereby request a raise in salary for the followin reasons.I do physical labour,I work .at great depths,I dont get weekends or public holidays off,I work in a damp environment,I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation,I work in high temperatures,my work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely
P.Niss
Response:
Dear P.Niss
Aftr assessin yr request& considerin the arguments u have raised,we reject ur request for the followin reasons:U dont wrk 8hrs straight,U fall asleep aftr brief wrk periods.U dont take initiative,u need to be pressured & stimulated into startin work,u leave the wrkplace rather messy at the end of ur shift,u dnt always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearin correct protective clothin,Ur unable 2 work double shifts & as if that wasnt all,u constantly enter the workplace carryin 2 suspicious bags! Yours sincerely V.Gina.

How the years pass!!!

Credit Crunch-Married Version.Husband & Wife shopping in Tesco`s when man picks up a crate of stella and sticks it in the trolley."What do you think your doing?" asks wife. "They`re on offer,£10 for 24 cans" he replies."Put them back,we cant afford them" says wife and they carry on shopping.A few aisles later,wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley. "What do you think your doing?" asks husband."It`s my face cream,it makes me look young and beautiful" she says. Husband responds " So does 24 cans of Stella & it`s half the F~@king price"!

A man goes to the Doc`s for a cock extension.Doc suggests baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. Man agree`s.6 weeks later while having dinner with new woman he feels an unusal stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flys out and steals an apple off the table and disappears back into his trousers. "wow", she says "can you do that again?" He replies " My cock can but i dont think my arse can take another apple...."

SMARTASS ANSWERS 2008;

6)It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane."Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row."What are my choices?"the man asked. "Yes or No" she replied.

5)A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached,she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without blinking an eyelid she said: "Sir,i need to see your ticket not your stub."

4)A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury`s but she couldnt find one big enough to feed her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied " I`m afraid not - they`re dead".

3)The policeman gets out of his car and approached the boy racer he`s pulled over for speeding." I`ve been waiting for you all day" the bobby says. The kid replies " Yes,well i got here as fast as i could."

2)A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. He passes a sign warning "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he gets stuck under it. Traffic is backed up for miles,choas reigns,finally the Police arrive. The Policeman gets out of his car and approaches the lorry driver, stating the obivious;"Get stuck,eh?" The lorry driver replies "No- I was delivering this bridge and i ran out of Diesel!"

1)A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of the following days Final Exam." Now listen to me,I wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious injury,illness,or a death in your immediate family,but thats it,no other excuses whatsoever!!" A smart-arse guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would happen if i came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When order was restored to the classroom the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,shook her head and said sweetly:

"Well,I suppose you`d have to write with the other hand".

2 women go on their holidays to the Caribbean & meet an attractive muscular Black guy. After a week of fantastic 3sum sex they finally get round to asking what his name is. He says his name is "Snow". The women look at each other and start laughing,"why are you laughing?" he asks. They reply"Our husbands will never believe we had ten inches of snow in the Caribbean!!"

Sinusoidal or Harmonic ?????                                                                    This is a quick lesson in physics for all engineers and should be passed on to    others like them who wonder about this sort of thing                                                   For non - Engineers: This is Sinusoidal Motion                                                    But Trained Engineers Know This As Harmonic Motion           However To My Trained Engineering Eye This is Classic Sinusoidal & Harmonic Motion?                         YES I Like to Keep 'abreast' Of Engineering Problems

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
 
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
 
 He replies:'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

 She answers,
 
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
 and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
 that I would find offensive.'

 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

  She responds,'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

 The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
 
 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
 
 The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
 
 But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

 The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
 party.'
 HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!! ***

3 women are sitting on a park bench having a chat when a flasher jumps out and flashes at them.Two of them immediately have a stroke,the third one couldnt quite reach..

"Beer and spirits" ; helping ugly people have sex since 3000BC!

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"

A man picks up a nasty infection and goes to a doctor." I`m sorry", says the doctor "I cant cure it. We`re going to have to amputate." The man is horrified and seeks a second opinion. " I`m sorry" says the second doctor, " but the first doctor was right,your penis has to come off." The man cant accept this and seeks yet another doctors opinion. "There`s good news and bad news", says the 3rd doctor " The good news is that we dont need to amputate your penis". "And whats the bad news?" asks the man. The doctor replies "It`s just come off in my hand."

A woman walks into a chemists and enquires if they sell extra large condoms. " Yes we do" replies the assistant "Would you like to buy some?" " No thanks" says the woman" But if you dont mind,I`ll wait here for someone who does."

A Honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite."Bridal?" asks the desk clerk. "No thanks", replies the bride," I`ll just hang onto his shoulders"

After a drunken night on the town,the daughter of a wealthy businessman is woken by the butler,"What happened ?" she groans,"I dont remember getting into bed". " I carried you upstairs,miss" says the butler. " And where is my dress? she asks. It was stained," replies the butler, "so i took it off to be cleaned". "But I seem to have lost my underwear too" says the girl. It appeared to be interfering with your circulation", says the butler "so i slipped it off. "Gosh,thanks", says the girl,"That was quite a party last night-I must have been tight". "Only the first time, miss." replies the butler.

A biker receives a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning,to see if he would be interested in meeting up to rekindle a bit of that "old majic",a little taken aback he replies: "I dont know if i could keep pace with you now,I`m a bit older,a bit greyer than when you last saw me,plus i dont really have the energy i used to have" She giggled and said she was sure that he would "rise to the challenge".. "yeah" he said "just so long as you dont mind a waist-line thats a few inches wider these days,not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.Everything is sagging,my teeth are slightly yellowed and i`m devolping jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and tells him to stop being so silly,teasing him by saying that tubby,grey haired,older men were cute and she was sure he would still be a great lover, "anyway" she giggled again"i`ve put on a few pounds myself". So he tells her to f**k off.

The reason matchstick people became extinct....

These files are powerpoint slideshows,to download Right click and save target to download,then you can open them,enjoy!!

xmas calender Found this calender lying about,just click on the dates,just make sure the wee ones arent around!

My_wife_and_I This one isnt for the faint hearted either.. ditto above,not for youngsters.

OK,try the link to Saints and Sinners mcc fun page , some good stuff there to keep you amused...

Harley davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting 2 God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world! God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What the fuck do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them! "Ahem, " says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my fucking creation than yours!"

Found some good jokes on the Reckless Few MCC site,click here for the craich.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You dont know Jack Schitt !!" Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an educated way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertiliizer magnate,married O. Schitt,the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son,Jack. In time Jack schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produce 6 children who`s name are Holie Schitt,Giva Schitt,Fulla Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt an` Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a High School dropout.After being married for a period of 15 years,Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,and ,because her kids were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name,she is now known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.Meanwhile,Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,who had a son with a nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six children,Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcementof the Schitt-Happens nuptials surprised few people.The off-spring of this marriage were named Dawg,Byrd,and Hoarse.Bull Schitt,the prodigal son,left home to tour the world,recently returning with his new Italian bride,Pisa Schitt. Now,when someone suggests "you dont Jack Schitt" you can correct them. Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

BMW riders who are easily offended shouldnt watch this clip ,or HD`s,Kwackers for that matter!!!

Brendan sent these in,class...